Spiritual Reset

I went through a truly humbling experience today, on New Year’s Day. God revealed Himself to me in a rather dramatic way. It was not a soft whisper of calling me to repentance but a loud, impossible- to-miss and excruciatingly painful wake-up call for me. God rebukes us for our wrongdoings and when He does so, He really means it. The beautiful thing is - He does plant Godly people around to cushion the pain a little. I am so thankful that He did not give up on me and continue to yanked me out from the rut even when I knowingly chose to walk away.

As a practising Catholic, I was often complimented on my knowledge about Jesus. Deep down, I felt like an imposter. While cognitively, I know Jesus, yet I don’t know Him. I was listening to an audio book by Joyce Meyer and she said that most of us seek Jesus’ hands but not His face. In other words, we treat Him like a dispensable tool which we occasionally wield in times of emergencies. We do not seek to know Him at a more intimate level. Relationally, I don’t really know His heart and love for me; what I am called to do. To me, these have always been very abstract concepts around Christianity.

Born into a Taoist family, relationships with deities were externalised and in fact, there isn’t a relational concept to begin with. As far as I understand, both the worshippers and the deities interact through transactions and I remember if my parents need anything, they would pray to the deities. Otherwise, life goes on as usual until the next calamity or needs arise. Speaking about calamities, “bad things” were often attributed to offending the deities. The notion of “never enough” featured prominently in Taoism. Worshipping is laborious as it’s effort-based and you don’t know when you will be struck by lightning if you unwittingly did something wrong or rub the deities the wrong way.

Even though I have accepted Christ some 20 over years ago – I am still a baby Christian. That said, I think my faith has evolved over the years. When I started out as a Protestant, I just knew that Christianity is not a laborious religion. The “feel good” factor was enticing to young folks like me at that point in time. Attending some of the mega churches was akin to attending sell-out concerts. Honestly, mega churches worship is truly exhilarating and I think that is how they managed to draw in huge crowds (of course, some are genuinely called by God). Every Sunday, the fiery sermons preached on the pulpit makes me believe that nothing is impossible with God. And this is true, by the way. What I hadn’t realised at that point was this – walking with Christ is easy. As bible verses like “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”- Matthew 11: 28-30 is so plain and easy to understand, but is it?

Week after week, year after year, I hear the bible preached inside out by the pastors and true enough, my intellect got the better of me. I was getting mentally bored. I began to wonder what else I didn’t know. I started to watch Christian documentaries, read Christian books by prominent pastors in the likes of Joel Osteen and listen to Christian podcasts. Back then, my knowledge bank was exploding with Christ but my life was not. It was indeed bizarre. Then, my life started to spiral down – down and down it went, to a point which I had reached the end of myself. Strangely, I didn’t leave the faith through these dark ages but I also didn’t walk close to God either. I honestly don’t know how I survived these years other than by the grace of mighty God. It was a period of literal “guilty pleasures” – a potent and toxic concoction of guilt, shame and emotional highs. At that time, I had relegated God to the backseat and occasionally I will speak to Him when I needed to seek peace in whatever I was indulged in. Then there were times where I think I didn’t need God as I have found my security somewhere else. Hence, I was in this oscillating relationship with God.

All evil things finally came to an end. At that point, I could have been whisked away totally by the devil and never return. But, again, by God’s grace – I stumbled upon Catholicism. Few years back, I would have smirked at the idea of even stepping into a Catholic Parish. This time around, I didn’t because God found me again in the pit. Through the years as a baby Catholic, I have learnt that walking with God may not always be a “walk in the park” but God will always give you sufficient strength, courage and talent to do His will. Nobody wants to suffer but the Catholic faith amplifies and centres around human suffering as one of the keys to deliverance and eternal peace. I came to understand that our Lord, Jesus Christ’s suffering was the key to eternal redemption and that every single day, I must “carry my cross” – what ever these “crosses” might be. They may be that annoying neighbour who kept thumping your ceiling for no rhyme or reason, conflicts with loved ones, fear of job loss etc. Jesus carried His cross, step by step, in immense pain and suffering up Calvary Hill and He did not at any point, flinch nor gave up. Shouldn’t we, followers of Christ, do the same?

Fast forward to today, I have led an uneventful life since God rescued me and placed me in the Universal Church. Deep down in my heart, I promised God that I will lead a “religiously structured” life. I was using Catholicism as a form of “guardrail” to keep me out of trouble. I buried myself in work and I worked incessantly, ticked all the checkboxes when it comes to observing all the solemnities of the Church. It worked for a long while, a couple of years at least, until now.

I can’t help but think that God has a knack in shaking up latent wounds, hurts and unresolved pains. “For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” - Hebrews 4:12 Indeed, nothing can escape Him. I can physically escape to the ends of the Earth, I can wilfully feign ignorance about my wounds and sins, but He WILL find me and yank me back. And He does so in an almost uncanny, out-of-the world manner and according to His divine timing. The entire operation was meticulously and flawlessly planned and concealed to the human perception.

Visiting the Vatican was one of the coolest bucket list items. While I was there a couple of weeks ago, I was awed-inspired by the grandeur of St Peter’s Basilica and the eternal legacies of famous popes who found their final resting places in the Vatican grottoes. I was no different from other gawking tourists except that, I am a Catholic and it was truly an immense honour and privilege for God to bring me to the Rock, the very foundation of the Christian movement that impacted and continues to impact billion of lives today. It was in fact, not at St Peter’s where I prayed fervently to God, to invite Him into my life and to lead my way forward. Interestingly, I was drawn to a small church of the Sacred Heart of Jesus which is situated right next to the hotel I stayed in. There was an unexplainable peace when I stepped into the church and it was there; I prayed for redemption and guidance. Every morning, the church bells tolled across Rome and I could almost feel the ancient spirits breathe life into the city again. It was spiritually refreshing and my soul was awakened as I walked down the streets with the bight sun beams and warmth streaming down my face. It was as if God was caressing my face.

After returning to SG, I resumed my uneventful life. Never did I know that God was mounting His plan to purge the impurities in me. In gist, the plan was executed within a fairly short span of time and the plan was disguised in another form. I could only connect the dots to make sense of what God has been doing in the aftermath. And I am grateful that God finally revealed to me what has been going on. He really loved me so much that He had to activate a couple of Godly folks who unconditionally, spent their time to guide me out of the muddy waters. I honestly have no idea what I have done to deserve His graciousness. I have been treading close to danger; the occult. In my naivety, I thought it didn’t matter as long as I am able to get the answers I seek. On hindsight, I had wanted to control the situation as I was uncomfortable with my own lack of wisdom to see the situation through God’s lens. Deep down, I was feeling unworthy and hence, the dissonance was so uncomfortable when good things come my way. My mind went on a self-defensive auto-pilot mode screaming, “what have I done to deserve goodness and kindness?”. All of God’s teachings around unconditional love just went straight out of the window in that instance. The devil was trying to shrink me and make me feel unworthy by using the same old tactics of seeding doubt in my head. And the devil will be successful with his tactics if one is not alert. “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” – 1 Peter 5:8

I am grateful to God for putting a stop to all my follies in a compact timeframe. Truth be told, it was extremely painful. The truth hurts and for me, it hurts big time, especially in the moment when I least expected it. I wasn’t prepared to face the truth. My heart was ripped apart and I felt like a deer caught in the headlights, ready to be run over any time. I didn’t know how to react and what to do. In the midst, confusion reign everywhere; heart aches followed wherever I went. The pain drove me directly to God. Again, I came to the end of myself and in whatever things I was dabbling in. I was like Alice in Wonderland -trapped and confused. I fell down before the crucifix and cried like a wretch. My prayers were incoherent – I just kept asking Jesus to “save me” and deliver me through this trial. I implored Mother Mary to intercede on behalf of me, to pray to the Lord for deliverance. Even though it was painful, I couldn’t resolve the pain in my own ways, but by His will. “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” – Matthew 26:39

Upon reflection, God has humbled me and revealed to me in a very concrete way how much He loves me. He has come to rescue me from the devil’s snare again even though I don’t deserve it. I am embarking on the journey to purify my soul, to cut off sinful ties once and for all and most importantly, to know who Jesus really is and to live my faith. In the meanwhile, I have learnt the following:

1. There’s no way we can be in control. Whenever we try to take control of our thoughts, feelings, actions – things just mess up. No one and nothing else including my rational mind can possibly satisfy me with answers except God.

2. The situation that we are in can seem despairing but for all we know, God might be orchestrating behind the scene bring us to certain realisations He wants us to have. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28

3. Godly and wise counsel are extremely important. We cannot walk our faith alone. This is where the path starts to get treacherous and slippery.

4. Most important of all, let not our gaze be taken away from Jesus. He is the “Way, the Truth and the Life”. – John 14:6

May the Lord continue to shine His glorious face on us until the end of times.